Coffee and TV
Late one night I decided to flick through the multitude of channels offered by the Cable Gods, and in the gloam of 1am-television-weirdness, I stumbled upon the following:
1. A mad Japanese game show where contestants have to run amok in the snow wearing only hot pants, boylegs, knickerbockers, Y-fronts and the like. There was much blotchy skin, shivering, yowling and gnashing of teeth, whilst the hosts - all rugged up in layers of sheepskin, thermals and foil - chuckled and pointed at said blotchsome contestants, laughing at them hysterically.
2. "The Grudge" - chilling remake of Japanese horror movie and set in Japan, not to be watched while living in a Japanese house as everything in the apartment takes on a terrifying aspect: such as the deep bath-tub (where that dour little kiddie drowned), the frosted glass doors (where the evil raven-haired ghostie constantly flashes past as she prowls the corridors; flatmates rushing to the lav can also create the same effect); and that damned sliding door closet in that damned tatami-mat room - the same room that Miss Ember sleeps in every night! One cannot sleep at all properly with one`s pillow right next to *that* closet door, for fear of a blue boy bursting forth with a bloodcurdling cat`s meow, or that evil ghostie woman with the dilapidated neck - glock glock glock! Also, yanking out slimy, Rapunzeline strands of room-mates` hair from the shower-grate sends a shiver down one`s spine!*
3. "The Sexy Cats" - an adventure in Japanese soft porn (not animated), with knickers! The Sexy Cats is a tale of three women who run a cafe and their various sordid adventures with a cast of customers and the local yakuza. The Sexy Cats are:
- the housewife cat - HouseyCat is the conservative type who does all the cooking and cleaning at the cafe. Donning traditional mummsie pinafores and floral aprons that are popular on cooking shows here in Japan, one knows that at some point HouseyCat`s plain sartorial selection will indeed be torn off, somewhat in the style of a ravished librarian.
- the sour, spoilt princess cat - SnootyCat likes to sulk in her room and refuses to help HouseyCat with doing the dishes. She is notorious for strutting around the house nude, even in front of the customers downstairs.
- the schoolgirl cat - SwottyCat is the young, shy, virginal schoolgirl, wearing trad nautical school uniform with knotted red neckerchief. Everyone knows she will be raped at some point, perhaps by a monster sprouting twenty tentacles that is masquerading as an ordinary item of household furniture.
HouseyCat and SnootyCat rendezvous after hours with their customers, which of course leads to naughty SEX. As aforementioned in my previous post, no pubic hair is shown and all scenes are "mimed" sex, with lots of implied activities and the occasional topless scene thrown in for measure.
The saucy scenes are interspersed with hammy martial arts fisticuffs, including SnootyCat assaulting two rude customers in a frenzy of towel-flicking, karate-chopping and knicker-flashing. In the meantime, the local yakuza - led by a femme fatale - are trying to ruin the business of the cafe and kidnap the SwottyCat and deflower her. In their rage, Swotty, Housey and Snooty transform into pvc-clad heroines - The Sexy Cats - and finish off the yakuza in a savage attack of BIFF! ZAP! violence and martial arts prowess (with excessive knicker-flashing).
Most curious indeed!
*Note - only watch Japanese horror movies in your home country. Do not watch them in Japan, otherwise one will develop a nervous twitch whenever confronted by a tatami mat.
1. A mad Japanese game show where contestants have to run amok in the snow wearing only hot pants, boylegs, knickerbockers, Y-fronts and the like. There was much blotchy skin, shivering, yowling and gnashing of teeth, whilst the hosts - all rugged up in layers of sheepskin, thermals and foil - chuckled and pointed at said blotchsome contestants, laughing at them hysterically.
2. "The Grudge" - chilling remake of Japanese horror movie and set in Japan, not to be watched while living in a Japanese house as everything in the apartment takes on a terrifying aspect: such as the deep bath-tub (where that dour little kiddie drowned), the frosted glass doors (where the evil raven-haired ghostie constantly flashes past as she prowls the corridors; flatmates rushing to the lav can also create the same effect); and that damned sliding door closet in that damned tatami-mat room - the same room that Miss Ember sleeps in every night! One cannot sleep at all properly with one`s pillow right next to *that* closet door, for fear of a blue boy bursting forth with a bloodcurdling cat`s meow, or that evil ghostie woman with the dilapidated neck - glock glock glock! Also, yanking out slimy, Rapunzeline strands of room-mates` hair from the shower-grate sends a shiver down one`s spine!*
3. "The Sexy Cats" - an adventure in Japanese soft porn (not animated), with knickers! The Sexy Cats is a tale of three women who run a cafe and their various sordid adventures with a cast of customers and the local yakuza. The Sexy Cats are:
- the housewife cat - HouseyCat is the conservative type who does all the cooking and cleaning at the cafe. Donning traditional mummsie pinafores and floral aprons that are popular on cooking shows here in Japan, one knows that at some point HouseyCat`s plain sartorial selection will indeed be torn off, somewhat in the style of a ravished librarian.
- the sour, spoilt princess cat - SnootyCat likes to sulk in her room and refuses to help HouseyCat with doing the dishes. She is notorious for strutting around the house nude, even in front of the customers downstairs.
- the schoolgirl cat - SwottyCat is the young, shy, virginal schoolgirl, wearing trad nautical school uniform with knotted red neckerchief. Everyone knows she will be raped at some point, perhaps by a monster sprouting twenty tentacles that is masquerading as an ordinary item of household furniture.
HouseyCat and SnootyCat rendezvous after hours with their customers, which of course leads to naughty SEX. As aforementioned in my previous post, no pubic hair is shown and all scenes are "mimed" sex, with lots of implied activities and the occasional topless scene thrown in for measure.
The saucy scenes are interspersed with hammy martial arts fisticuffs, including SnootyCat assaulting two rude customers in a frenzy of towel-flicking, karate-chopping and knicker-flashing. In the meantime, the local yakuza - led by a femme fatale - are trying to ruin the business of the cafe and kidnap the SwottyCat and deflower her. In their rage, Swotty, Housey and Snooty transform into pvc-clad heroines - The Sexy Cats - and finish off the yakuza in a savage attack of BIFF! ZAP! violence and martial arts prowess (with excessive knicker-flashing).
Most curious indeed!
*Note - only watch Japanese horror movies in your home country. Do not watch them in Japan, otherwise one will develop a nervous twitch whenever confronted by a tatami mat.
posted by Miss Ember at 1:26 pm
1 Comments:
And all we get from the talkies is reruns of Seinfeld. Not very sporting really.
Post a Comment
<< Home