School Days

As a dedicated listmaker myself, I was highly amused to read this list by Richard Glover from the Herald, which recalls all the Important Bits from children's novels that one should keep in mind every day as an adult. I wish to Blytonise and add further:

• all midnight feasts must include tinned pineapple, tinned sardines, and lashings of ginger beer, as should picnics and packed lunches, especially if taken in the vicinity of Smugglers' Cove.
• if learning French, never fail to play a trick on Mademoiselle. Strange grey pellets that are stuck to the ceiling and from which distend great, rainbow-slick bubbles are highly recommended.
• Avoid all pale, pouty creatures by the name of Gwendoline.
• Some Spanish people have a circus-background and one should be cautious of their fickle temperament, especially if their complexion is dark and they are often spotted scowling. They are usually prone to burst into fits of backflips at any moment, so one has to always be on guard, especially if their name is Carlotta.
  
• Good girls generally grow up to become nurses or teachers.
• Only cowardly or slovenly girls whinge to Matron to get out of sports.
  
• If one is feeling damnably odd and cannot concentrate on one's maths exam or game of lacrosse, it's probably due to a bout of measles.
• In one's final year as a boarder, ensure you acquire a fag who will polish one's wooden desk in one's private study and tend to one's merrily burning fireplace.
• To liven up any party, a game of sardines is a must.
• Always make friends with the girls who have a boy's name, boy's hair-cut and a befreckled nose, because they are always good at sports and can be relied upon to get you out of a hairy situation involving smugglers or gypsies or robbers.
• Throughout life, it is best to socialise with a gang. Member numbers should be maintained at four, five, or seven, and gang names should be prefixed with adjectives "Adventurous", "Famous" or "Secret". An animal mascot is also recommended.